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jessrose8507
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Name: Jess
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Dayton
Birthday: 1/16/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Music, Psychology, French, Theatre, Martial Arts, men.
Expertise: Psychology
Occupation: Gruaduate Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/20/2003
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| Writing that letter made me feel better, but i'm glad i had the forsight not to send it. Talked to Ben last night. He thinks he and she will not get back together...can't say i'm sorry to hear that. But then he started some completely unnecessary discussion about how he's not ready to jump into another relationship either. I was like...well...duh. Me either. It was a little confusing considering what had been telling me before, but whatever happened with her obviously shook him so whatever. I like him, and i've been upfront about that. I told him i could see getting to a point where i wanted to be with him, but that i'm not yet and the thought of getting there still scares me. I was honest. I don't want to be in a relationship just yet either. Then he tells me how there are all these other chicks interested in him  (uh huh...and?), the majority of which he isn't interested in and he doesn't know how to let them down easy. Ok...wtf babe? First, i don't care if you are into other chicks or if they are into you, you're allowed...so am i. Second, is this some ill fated attempt to make me jealous? Third, perhaps it was a segue into the next thing he told me. I insinuated i was in the same boat and had other guys interested in me, how couldn't i at that point? He said "yeah, well, you aren't really concerned about hurting guys' feelings with breaking up and stuff". Excuse me???  Where the hell did he get that idea? He said he was talking to a friend about me and that friend, a guy, called me cold, with which Ben agreed. Huh? I'm cold? I tried to defend myself but he just started back peddling. So, maybe i wasn't listening hard enough. What did i say to hurt his feelings so much that he thinks i'm cold? He said i was exactly the kind of chick he liked to date because i'm cold and blunt and you always know where you stand with me. Ok, fair enough. I'm blunt and honest even when it hurts, and he apparently finds that to be en endearing quality. But cold? I got the sense there was something else there, and i don't know what yet. I told him it's hard for me to open up to him in a warm tone because i'm afraid to. He said, "afraid i'll hurt you?" I said i'm afraid i'll get to a point where your hurting me becomes a possibility. He said "so don't" get to that point, don't put myself out there too much yet. I'm like, what are you trying to tell me here? To which he answered that, basically, he's not ready for me to get to that point...at least that was what i picked up. So, here we are, back at square one again...Ben, seriously, i'm not all caught up in you yet...though i'm obviously interested and this whole situation with her was obviously fucking me up a little too. I wanted to say, hello! i'm dating someone else too! Stop freaking out! I don't know if he was trying to back out or what the hell was going on with that, but whatever. It'll work out one way or the other. for now i'll just stay confused and see what happens, lol. | | |
| Ok, so i'm seriously considering sending the following to this girl, who's name i have removed for privacy. Is this the stupidest idea ever in the history of stupid ideas or could this turn out well for me somehow? XXX, I understand that this is somewhat bizarre, but I feel as if there are some things I very much want to say to you, woman to woman, and I hope you will give me the honor of reading them. First, I think you are a beautiful woman, and from what Ben has told me, you are obviously an intelligent and good-hearted person. Therefore, I believe we have some things in common. Second, I feel that I understand your telling Ben that you love him. Why wouldn’t you? He seems like one of the few good guys left out there, and I’m sure we’ve both dated our share of assholes. I’m making some assumptions in saying this, but I think I’ve been where you are right now. I was with my ex fiancé on and off for almost six years. We split up a couple of times, I would date an asshole or two and start to miss my comfort zone. Particularly, if he began seeing someone in whom he showed genuine interest, part of me would panic. I would see the inevitable dissipation of that comfort zone, that security, that feeling that in the end he would always want to be with me. I would ask him to come back, and back he would come. Then, unfailingly, I would realize that it was not really him that I still loved. It was the comfort, reassurance, and the way that he treated me that I missed. I missed being with someone who would always give his whole heart and soul to me, even if I didn’t give mine back. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, if you truly want Ben back, I hope with all my soul that you really mean it. I hope that if he wants you, you can give your whole self to him and that you haven’t decided that you still love him, in what seems to be the eleventh hour, because you miss the idea of him. I like Ben. I know we haven’t been dating for very long, but I like to think that I am a good judge of character. If we continued to date, I could certainly see myself falling for him. I haven’t considered that possibility with a guy in quite a number of years. Even without the recent chaos, we might have worked, and we might not have. Either way I’m glad that I know him and I very much don’t wish to see him hurt. I’m sure that you would never intentionally hurt him, I just felt that this was something I needed to express. Whatever happens, good luck to you in finding every happiness in your life. Sincerely, Jess | | |
| So, this guy. We both knew we were on a path that could eventually be something quite serious. That's what he wanted after all. I had finally gotten really comfortable with my singleness and then i find the guy who's actually looking for his soulmate. Seems like that happens a lot, that when I fianlly get comfortable with an idea the rules change on me. Well, they did again. I'm starting to stick my neck out to him, to be comfortable with the idea of maybe, at least a little bit, thinking about moving toward a relationship again, and the rules have once again been so fundamentally altered I don't know where I am anymore. Niether does he though, it's not like he asked for this. Ok, what am I talking about, right? Well, like I think i mentioned in my last post, he was engaged once. His ex fiance cheated on him two years ago resulting in their split. They stayed friends, which is kind of big of him. So, he tells her that he met me, and that he thinks that for the first time since he was with her, he may have found someone things could really work with. Now, he's dated plenty of chicks since he was with her and she never went nuts on him before. But, apparently, this time it was just too much for her. So on friday she waits outside one of his classes and tells him she still loves him. Kind of the 11th hour here isn't it sweetheart??? Fuck the 11th hour, you two broke up two years ago...it's like 11:59 and 59 seconds...and so she pulls this total mind fuck. I hate it that she's beautiful. She's the only girl he's ever loved, how's he supposed to react? So, his world is upside down. He didn't have to tell me, he didn't have to have a really honest conversation about how he feels...yes, he apparently can communicate about his feelings...about this, but he did. I told him I understand, he needs to take time, figure this out. He went over to her place last night and they talked. Who knows if that's all that happened, but i guess it really doesn't matter what he did with her. He needs to figure it out, whatever that means. He's not tied down to me and even if he has to fuck her to figure out if he wants to be with her or not at least he'll know. If he still wants her, I sure hope it's for real this time. but it's not, and i know it. How? I've been her. I hurt tom plenty of times, we broke up, we stayed friends, and as soon as i missed the comfort or the way he treated me when all i could find were assholes, or when he started to date and I couldnt' help but think 'gee, that used to be me he put his whole soul into' i would want him back. And back he would come. Then, i would realize that i could have him if i wanted, safe, dependable tom, and that i never really wanted him in the first place, i just wanted my comfort zone back. I wasn't in love with him the whole time we were together, but he was good to me and he made me feel good. Is that what this chick is doing? absolutly, i know it, she knows it, HE knows it...he told me he knows it. He told me he sees her like a sister now and that she has just hurt him too bad for him to go back to, but you just never know. When you're looking in her eyes and seeing all the memories you made together and remembering how much you loved her and how comfortable she was...you never know. But i get it, you know? I understand. I can't be mad at her because i've been her, i get it, why wouldn't she miss him? He's a fantastic catch! He's one of the few good guys left out there. I can't be mad at him either, he's reacting in perfectly normal, human, understandable ways to this. His world turned upside down and he's just trying to figure out if he wants to put it back how it used to be or just enjoy the new upside down view...or maybe something completely different. And really, I always would have been paranoid about her anyway, so if he has to go through this now to know that he either really wants to spend his life with her or that he really just doesn't see her like that and never will again, or maybe even that he wants to be with her but that she'll just break his heart every single time until he doesn't want her anymore (which is honestly the more likely outcome i'm thinking), then fine. Do this, figure it out. Then, if you pick me in the end i know without a doubt i'll never have to wonder, i'll be able to trust you completely. And if you pick her? I can't tell you I'll still want you when she destroys you again. But, I can't tell you I won't at least help you pick up the pieces either. You deserve to be happy. I'm giving you time to figure out how. This is me taking a risk, and in the end that means doing something i have never really done since i was 14 and with the only guy i ever really loved (and if anyone who is reading this knows who i'm talking about...yes, i know that's sad, whatcha gonna do?) So, if i'm getting out of my comfort zone, even if he hurts me, i'll be growing, i'll be letting myself be uncomfortable enough to experience the amazingness of life, high or low or in between. I meant that whole thing about being uncomfortable, I didn't just want to do it until it got hard. So, that's where my head is at right now. I'm giving him time, i'm waiting, like he asked me to do, for him to find out what he wants. Can't say that i'm going to be sitting at home the whole time or that I won't still hook up with Zach in the mean time...hey, i'm not tied down either. Can't say that if something else comes along and snatches me up i won't go with it. I've never been single for long, i'm a great catch too. So we're playing a game with time here. Life will keep happening while he tries to get his head on straight, and we'll see where it takes us both. I can keep my secret hope that he appears at my door, kisses me in that amazing way he has, and tells me he picks me, without stopping my life from happening. Fuck, this is complicated, this is uncomfortable, but...uncomfortable is what i asked for, no? So fine! i'm ready! bring it on damnit! | | |
| So this whole online dating thing was totally addictive at first and i still think it's a really great way to meet people, but it's getting tired. Just when I started to wonder if there are any good guys left out there though I uncover what appears to be something looking suspiciously like an intelligent, educated, attractive, romantic guy. Hmm, how interesting I say to myself...now what's the catch? He came over last night and cooked me dinner. How cute is that? He's a great kisser, he's hot, and he can cook? Ok, no, really...what's the catch? Well, he's still friends with his exes. Is that wierd? I suppose that could be a catch. Specifically his ex fiance (no big deal off the bat, i have one of those too), who he split from like two years ago. He talks about her fondly, almost nostalgically, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Ok, so we've only had two dates there's no way i'd know what the catch is. The boy means business too, he is open about the fact that he wants a relationship, a long term relationship. And I get the feeling when he says long term he means he wants to find the girl he's going to end up with. Makes sense right? You use an online dating site to find the right person, not just a hook up. Ok, i get that. So why am I not swooning? I find what appears to be an awesome guy who's actually looking for love and i'm suspicious, that's great isn't it, go me. Oh well, in a week it probably won't even matter and i'll feel dumb for even having this conversation with myself. I want to find someone who matters to me, I do. Right? Or maybe I want to just keep running away and self-sabotoging. Erica said that sooner or later i'm going to find the right guy, and i'm not even going to want too, that i'll fight it tooth and nail the whole time. So, I guess that's true. I guess i'll have to find someone persistant. I don't want to be that damaged girl that needs someone to come break down her walls, i've always found that so cliche and dramatic. but is it me? am i damaged? Do I run as fast as i can when a guy gets too close or expresses genuine interest? Or maybe I grab on so tight to the things I want that I suffocate them. I DON'T KNOW! fuck it...it'll work it's self out. | | |
| So I knew I still had this thing but had pretty much completely forgotten about it. I was reading over old posts and thinking about how different I am from only a year ago, much less from my freshmen year in college, which is when I think I started using this thing. Everything has changed. I'm in my second year of grad school, I love my current job, Tom and I split up in October after practically a year of knowing we were never going to make it. Yeah, I know right? Well, we tried. Unfortunately, he went a little crazy after we spit and i've had to do some number changing and so forth so if anyone calls the old one, it won't be me who answers. At this point, I hope Tom finds happiness within himself, peace with the past that he can't face, and whatever it is that he really needs out of life. Furthermore, I hope he finds all these things without ever involving me in his mess again. I don't hate him, don't love him, but I respect what we were to each other for the last six years or so and I also respect that it's over. He made the decision when it came down to it, but we both knew we were both checked out of the relaitonship. Really, it was the best thing he did for me the whole six years. I feel like I did when I got back from France, like my world has possibilities again, like I can love my life and like it all makes sense. Things didn't make sense with him. Now, I know i'm where I belong. I feel like I know who I am again. I've been dating, having fun, letting myself relax. I've been getting in touch with old friends. Pretty interested in someone right now, we'll see how it goes. Sarah's got a new boo, he almost sounds too good to be true, and we know what that usually means, but i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt until I find a reason not to. Amanda's got her life pretty much figured out and it's where she wants it right now. I get to see both girls tomorrow since i'm going home for a few days for Christmas. I'll be in Cbus visiting college friends and having a hot date on New Years. Life's pretty much awesome. I watched this movie recently for my humanistic psychotherapy class called Dinner with Andre. It kind of drags ass, but some things about it really stuck with me. It made me think about comfort. Comfort, in relationships, in life, in anything, can be very dangerous. It causes us to take things for granted, to blind ourselves to the sufferings, needs, wishes, hopes of others, to forget what it is that we're really after ourselves. We do things, stay with people, because they are comfortable, known, "safe". But really, becoming comfortable creates more danger than the adventure and supposed uncertainty of the real world. When we're comfortable, we die a little. I'm ready to be uncomfortable, do deal with the heart-pounding, breath-taking, exilleration and pain. I want the ambiguity, the uncertainty. I want to be alive. Will it suck sometimes, oh yes. Will I get hurt, most certainly...probably several times. Will it allow me to experience the world as I should, and not as some half-dead, miserable, comfortable, deluded, disenchanted, zombie trying to function on broken dreams and 2 cups of coffee? Hell yes. I'm ready...bring it on. So let me know if anyone out there still reads this thing. Who knows. | | |
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